The McDonald’s-sanctioned product and fashion magazine Pandaa! offends black people, Chinese people and the Japanese in one fell swoop with the article “How To Comfort Your Chinese Boyfriend When He Found Out (sic) You Have Slept With A Black Guy”. It has to be seen to be believed.

A quiet Sunday night spent throwing out old magazines turned into a voyage of discovery of the floor for my jaw as it stayed permanently dropped while I read the article from the May 2009 edition of Pandaa!

You’ll have seen the magazine; it holds pride of place in McDonald’s restaurants and is a glossy collection of product shots and pretty models.

Nestled between the glossy pages sat the unbelievable article. It was the illustration that first caught my attention. Some kind of conceptual piece, I thought, just my dirty mind projecting a lewd meaning onto it. Wrong. I read it and it was beyond pretty much anything I could have imagined. Here’s the article in full, verbatim.

Rules:
1. It’s okay babe, I still get off when you fist me.

2. Look on the bright side, after being with you, I know I can never be with a Japanese.

3. At least I can see you when we have sex in the dark.

4. Every time when I wake up and find myself being able to walk on my two feet, I think you are more suitable for me.

5. Not everyone wants to eat jumbo sausages. Sometimes people prefer cocktail sausages.

6. I feel a lot more safe being with you, especially when we go to sleep, because I feel I don’t have to hide my wallet and watch under the pillow, and I can sleep without fear of cops raiding my house.

7. You should be happy, because I’ve never thrown up on you whilst giving you a blowjob.

8. What are you talking about babe? You’re the perfect size for me. You always hit my G-spot which, contrary to what you might think, is only 3 inches deep, not 12 inches deep inside.

9. To be honest, no matter what you say, he is still going to be bothered by it. Buy if you really do care about him and the relationship, then offer him to have a threesome with another girl of his choice. It is, as they say in The Godfather, an offer he can’t refuse.

So there you have it. From the explicit (points 1, 7 & 8) to the most excruciatingly blatant racial stereotyping, or racism, as it’s better known (3 and 6 stand out as winners there), this article has it all. Let’s just hope it’s a terrific work of satire that doesn’t quite know how to conduct itself. Let’s also hope everyone enjoyed reading it whilst tucking into their Big Macs. Baffling.

-T.

(The article text is copyright of Pandaa! magazine. And they’re more than welcome to it.)

Posted in Features